xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary


These stupid walls.

I look around and all I see is... her. Dumb memories. Good and bad. Is this normal? Why? I need to get out of this house. This house with these dumb memories; in the walls... in the floors... in the door knobs... when I look out the windows or stand on the porch.
Its stupid. Why now?
I need it to stop.
Why did I say yes when she asked me to marry her? Did I know she was going to hurt me down the road and I like pain that much? Its hard to let go... the coldness, the rashness of decisions. Am I happier now? Was I ever 'happy' to have anything to compare to? Am I just bound to be okay with whatever is going on in my life? I know I smile more, I know I laugh more - I know I cry less, I know that I'm angry less. But I also feel like a shell. Like I have lived so many lives before this one and I'm just getting through this one.
I thought that I knew what the ending of my life was going to be... that was taken from me. That image.. that illusion, now.
Will I feel like this forever? This back and forth - this emotional roller coaster that I no longer want to be on. Fuck this season pass. Fuck this process.
It took months for those tire marks in the back yard to go away... how long will it take for these marks that she made on me to go away?
I feel like I could benefit from memory replacement...

4:11 p.m. - 2020-05-26


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