xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary

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Adulting, my ass.

So many years of looking at this text box. So many times I've typed with tears or a knot in my throat. Started this when I was a teenager and here I am 35 and still... Talking to no one.
I've verbally expressed how I've felt in the past and it just starts to go in a different direction and then I just feel like an unstable piece of shit. So, I type it... To strangers or no one at all just to get it out. If no one knows how or what I'm feeling, then I get to skip the whole "feeling like shit" part.
Maybe I'm mad because I never got to tell her how I truly felt/feel. Maybe I'm sad because of the feelings I had for her just had to.... Be turned off, for the lack of better words. I don't know if I miss her.. I was convinced that I had found my love. I was convinced that I had fallen head over heels and no one, and I mean, no one, could take that away from me.... But it was. Ripped away. I feel like at some point, we had both thought that the universe had magically made sure that we were together as soul mates. And then, I wasn't her soulmate. And I was nothing. And then she told me she was sorry... And I was too, for many different reasons. And then nothing. I'm nothing to her again. And still am.
I really hope that one day, this will stop. These feelings of emptiness. These feelings of loss. These feeling of being abandoned. These feelings of being used.

7:48 a.m. - 2020-05-31

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