xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- gagging on my words i ran to the bathroom and wretched everything up. my dinner, my lunch.... i heaved.. and heaved. and when i thought that there was nothing left, i stuck my finger down my throat and got stomach acid. i wanted to see blood, i wanted to see my love for her come up. maybe put it in a box and send it to her. my stomach is cramping... clamping down... i bet she'd be proud.... everything is fucked... i was waiting for it. i was waiting to watch everything fall apart. just how she wanted it to. and now i'm nothing. i know what i did. and there is nothing i can do about it. i'll wake up in the morning, wishing i were dead, hoping for something to make it all go away... but it won't. i love her... whether she believes me or not. i know. but i guess it doesn't mean shit. i see a self-destructive pattern coming on..... [i will never win with you. i'm smothered.] i keep trying to understand... i keep repeating all the words inside my head. and i never get them quite right. i have such a bitter taste in my mouth after all of this... and i don't know what to think... i don't even know how to think. i'm so numb and sick.... sick that i did this, sick that i lost person i love, sick that nothing i say is believable. so sick that i don't want to live inside myself anymore. i can feel my insides twisting... changing shape to what i've become, to what i made myself. i can't.... take it. 2:13 a.m. - 2004-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||