xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the patient ah, the wonders of sleep. i was able to actually drift off to sleep last night - instead of staying up for hours on end, thinking. i've spent the past two days in newport, and it was the same old newport... except for when i saw her. this town is such a shithole and i feel for all the people that live here and want to leave. "i can't wait until i can finally get out of this fucking shithole!" - that's pretty much what i said until the day that i moved to jonesboro. i know she hates it here too, and i wish that i could take her away from it... but that's in a couple of years, although today would be even better... i never knew that i could love someone that much... which such strong feelings that it effects every moment of my life. i have such wonderful daydreams of her. i don't even have to close my eyes. i could be staring at a door or my shoe, and there she is. i would give just about anything to make her happy.. quitting my drug usage is one of them. i would quit smoking weed for the rest of my life if i could just get one whole day with her.. nothing but her matters to me.. okay, there's school but that's a given. i feel sort of guilty everytime i smoke at my dad's house. because i'm not suppose to. he doesn't smoke and really doesn't like it that much. which is kinda funny, my mother smoked. it's not like i owe him anything.. besides my life, and that's all. but i guess if i didn't exist then i would have never met jil, and i wouldn't be so in love and loved. as i sit here at my dad's house i can't stand not to hate it. i can still imagine my mother sitting in the recliner half asleep with oprah on. god damn i miss her so much.. she'd be proud of me if she could see me now. she use to keep like this journal thing, to keep up with all her medication, insulin injections, and pain. there is one day nov. 7th 2002 (she died nov. 23th) and it says "heather is 'crazy'". i wish that i could remember that day... i probably lost my temper and started ranting and raving. i probably did seem a little crazy to her, but then again, she seemed crazy to me as well. perhaps it just runs in the family.... i need a shower. i need jil. i need to be patient. 9:24 a.m. - 2003-12-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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