xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- tossing and turning it hasn't really felt like christmas yet, and i don't think it will. i guess you start to feel differently about normal things once you get past a certain point. when you were a kid all you worried about was getting all the toys that you wanted - you get older, and you just hope that you get a little money, or that's how it was for me. my christmas was spent out in the boonies.. between possum grape and bradford on top of a hill. took a walk out in the woods too - it wasn't too cold. i climbed all the way on top of this steep hill, then we kinda went our sperate ways. i went off a little ways and pulled up an uncomfortable chair of rock... smoked a cigarette. it was so quiet, i couldn't get over it. no cars, sirens, other people.... i couldn't keep my mind off of her. i thought about how she hurt me so bad this time, and about how i was ever going to able to trust her again. to believe things when she says them. and i could do that so easily.. ignore what she did just as long as i can love her and she can love me back. i could give her everything again, just as i did before, with the drop of a hat. that scares me.. i should be afraid, i should be the mouse to her cat. i want to be cautious... and look out for myself this time. i can't go through that again, losing her. i don't want to hear "it's not going to work" anymore. sigh.. it's strange how i know what steps to take to get things done, to accomplish what i want... but when it comes to her i'm fucking lost. like an assembly manual that you just can't understand and whatever it is, stays in pieces. she's working today; i'll be tempted to call. i'm hungry and didn't get much sleep. i fell asleep sometime around 4 this morning... woke up at 9:30. blah. not my idea of a restfull night to say the least. when we were in bradford didn't get much sleep... i remember it being after midnight... and i guess i passed out, but my sister woke me up around 5 that morning i couldn't really go back to sleep. so i just laid there with an ugly dog rolling all over me while i stared at the ceiling - but my head was filled with her, and how i wish it were her rolling around on top of me, rather than some smelly dog.... *stretches* ah, i can already tell that today.... is going to be a long day.... 10:48 a.m. - 2003-12-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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