xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- recovering from the bends so i've been talking to random people on the internet... and i can't believe how many damned freaks are out there. cybering and stuff. i mean, i go into a lesbian room, well, because i'm gay... and there's like a few other girls there, and like a bunch of confused, penis-having forgieners. what the hell? can they not read? how much more obvious can "just the girls" be? idiots. i've had a hard time sleeping for the past few days... watching the sun rise before i fall asleep, that sort of thing. i'm anxious for a lot of things. my birthday's in 2 days, there's another semester of school, and i plan to get a job after christmas break sometime. i'm always saying "god i need a job!", i believe people are starting to hate hearing me say that and frankly, so am i. i struggle with so much inside myself. i have all these goals and expectations for myself... and i worry about letting myself down. i worried about keeping my GPA up in order to keep my full-paid scholarship... which i did, barely tho. i had to have a 3.0, and that is EXACTLY what i got. without that, i would have gone on academic probation, and that's never good. but on the good side, yes... i kept my scholarship. sometimes i ask myself "what the fuck am i doing here?" and then i realize "oh yea, this is what i wanted, this is what i worked so hard for." but with all of this disappointment and saddness that i've had to deal with over the past few years, i'm surprised that i'm still here, breathing. i tried to give up so many times, attempted, but could never do it. i guess i owe myself the chance to make something better out of all this shit. yes, i do believe that there is so much more than what we can see. i can see the whole picture, the whole scene played out before me and i give a standing ovation. i just don't want to sit through it again, lol. sigh, i still get this lump in my throat when i think about jil. and it's not because i lost her, or that i never had her. and it's not because i hate her, or wish her dead. i still have so much love for her and i care about her. i get a lump in my throat because without me she has a chance to actually be what she wants, and i know that she can do it. i just wanted to save her, to take her up and keep her safe - not let anything bad get to her.... heh, i never knew that the best thing that i could do for her was to not tell her that i loved her, to not try to be with her. it seems as if i loved her more than she thought i did.... but i've realized that jil isn't the only girl out there... there's tons. there will be someone else... at some point, whenever that happens. but i don't hate her, i never could... all i can feel for her is love and respect. i hope that she can say the same for me.... 11:26 a.m. - 2003-12-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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