xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary

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Ponderings

Sometimes I just get so sick of your crap. I really do. I get to where I don't think I can stand anymore. Of course, when I get like this you give me tons of alone time to figure things out. Oh, how I appreciate that (yes, that was sarcasm). Still up to your old tricks, oh will you ever change? Can you really stand to live your life a deceitful person? You still think running away from your problems fixes them. You think they'll go away. I wish I could show you how wrong you are because eventually you do have to stop running and then there's hell to pay.

Sometimes I wonder what I could do to help you. Just to help you see and to help you figure things out. That's really what you seem like you need. Someone to help you figure things out and stick up for you and love you no matter what and always be there....a mother. And what would your mother say if she were here, Clarice? (I had to add that seeing as how I feel so much like Hannibal Lecter right now.) Are you proud of what you've become? Would you want her to see all the little fuck ups you've made? Or do you not really care about her opinion? Am I touching a sore spot here or have you distanced yourself from that too, so you don't have to deal with it? Does that work for you or are you good at covering up pain? The drugs help, don't they?

Do you think the way you are is acceptable just because you find people to accept it? There are people who accept rape, murder, drugs, child pornography. Does that make them acceptable? What are your values? Has your mind deteriorated so much that you can't think for yourself? Do you know who you are? Do you like it? It seems to me you have everything mixed up. And that you aren't very perceptible. Surely this is not you. It seems such a waste of space.

Do you like hearing these things? Finding more negative things about yourself to hate? Another reason to wake up and say "I wish I were dead" or are you over your self pity and depression now?

Are you independant? Stop! Think carefully before you answer this question. Ya know what? Let's move on, your codependancy on other people is obvious and boring. How do you feel about the way you use people? Well, of course you'd deny it. But think, in the back of your mind now, where it's safe and no one can see. Think about the truth. The way you'll only talk to certain people if other's aren't around. The way you talk about people behind their back. The little things you use people for. Ah, knowing your character I'm sure you feel no remorse. It's okay. I don't either. But you do have to admitt it, you use people. That's wrong. Whether you feel bad or not. Whether other's do it or not, it's wrong.

And what of your weaknesses? Hmmm? What are those? What is the very thought that strikes fear into your heart? What makes you cry alone at night? What are those nasty little secrets you hide from everyone? What things do you keep in the back of your mind, off limits? Afraid to talk about them? Do your weaknesses scare you? Do you think if you just avoid those everything will be okay? Almost like your problems, eh? Just run, RUN, and it all goes away?

Analyzing your character is boring. It's so common. How long did it take you to become this way? Surely I could not have found such a common weak person so interesting. Do you even remember what it's like to think for yourself? Do you miss it? Original thought. Haven't had any of that in a while, hmmm? What do you want? No, another person does not count. Yourself. Your goals. What are they? Who do you want to be? Do you know what you are now? You can't possibly and still remain that way. Knowing yourself would make you sick.

Well, I shall leave you now. In parting I would like to say, Ponder this: What do you want--in yourself? Look at who you've become.

4:21 p.m. - 2003-03-10

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