xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary

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ticket not in hand

I have this terrible pain in my stomach - probably from emptiness. The emptiness of the absence of food and emptiness from hurting the only person that I love. What is wrong with me? I don't understand how I can let things just slip by me. It's not like I pretend they don't exsist, I just can't see them in time. Or I just keep waiting, thinking that things will get better on their own. I keep thinking that one day, I'll just wake up and I'll be the most perfect person - saying all the right things and such. But it never happens, and I just keep waiting, and she just keeps hurting. It's not fair to either one of us.
I have to stop.
It makes me sick to my stomach to hear of what kind of person I've become, or the person that I seem to be. It makes me sick to learn of what I've done to another person - all the pain that I could have prevented. Why us? Why can't things be good and wonderful? Why can't I make all of this stop? Why can't I just show you everything that I feel for you? I just keep waiting, and letting al my chances and time slip by - waiting for another one. Like I keep missing a train to fucking happiness because I keep losing my ticket. If I could just hold on to it...
It's so cold here, and I don't want to go to work - it seems like I have so much to do in so little time. I feel like my head is going to explode at any moment. Which reminds me, I need to vacuum.
I just need to get my shit together and wake the fuck up. Start noticing things that aren't going to be around forever. Start paying attention to needs other than mine. Start living instead of waiting. I must do this.

8:25 a.m. - 2004-10-06

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