xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -.hurting.- i wish that i could just open myself up to her - and let her see all my insides and how much i bleed. and how much hurt is inside of me. i hurt because i can't have her, because her parents dislike me, because she doesn't trust the words that come out of my mouth. i see her and i light up - i become this different person with such a big heart and everything in there is for her. people can see this change in my eyes.. they can see how happy she makes me. they can also see how much effect she has on me... when i just cry or sit there blankly waiting for the next time i talk to her. chandler and i were in walmart and i was like "man, jil's suppose to call... we have to hurry."... "oh, it'll be okay, you'll get to talk to her." so we get back to his house and i check the cell phone and see that she had called. so i just sat there - trying to divise a way to get a hold of her. i watched the clock and glanced at the phone everynow and then... willing it to ring and it be jil. chandler says, "don't worry! she'll call!" it's like she's the perfect drug - and i don't think about all that other shit when i talk to her or when i get the chance to actually see her. in between that i find myself smoking weed to help cover up the withdrawl effects of her. i don't know - i wish i could quit. for her. for myself. i'm a jilian junkie - and i could never shoot up enough of her into my viens... i could take it all. there's just those times where she doubts me... she doubts the truth in my words. and it hurts so bad to have her not believe me. she's everything to me and couldn't think of anything else that i would want more than for her to trust me. i can still smell her on me... sigh. 9:38 p.m. - 2003-12-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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