xtoolfreakx's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -.desperate.- i've never thought of myself as a selfish person. i never thought of actually using someone from some reason. i never saw myself jumping from one person to another. i've always seen myself as a caring person or at least an understanding on, and i have seen myself as a fuck up - wrecking mostly everything i put my hands on, including people that i care about. i don't understand my course of actions - who does? unless they have a therapist to tell them who they are and why they do it. unfortunately i can't afford one of those - and i have to live my life in misery because of the things i've done. maybe it's the fact that i know i will never be able to experience things again, and that's why i'm hung on a hopeless dream. or maybe i do have a chance... a long time from now. what have i done? what am i supposed to do? how do i change? or is there even anything to change? i know that i shouldn't think about her as much as i should. it's not good for her or me. but i can't stop thinking about the "what if's"...... she has all of these opinions about me and she puts her guard up when i talk to her... and i don't blame her. but... i just want a conversation. just to remember what it was like to talk to her. i don't know how to explain to her the reasons for what i did - i'm not even sure about the reasons. i just have a feeling that whatever i tell her she still wouldn't believe. she would just push it aside like she does me. she still hurts me. still.... do you hear that?! YOU STILL HURT ME! so... bad. [pale angel go away come again some other day - devil has my ear today - i'll never hear a word you say - promised i would find a little wellness and some piece of mind - whatever just as long as i dont feel so desperate -and ravenous - i'm so weak and powerless over you] [calm these hands before they snare another pill] should i talk to her again, put my heart on my sleeve and let her pick at it again and again? then she can add to the wounds that she's made tonight... 8:11 p.m. - 2003-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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